Fatherhood
by Minnionette
Summary: In which Konoha's White Fang and War Hawk have a friendly discussion of age-appropriate gifts and other child-rearing topics during the Second Shinobi War. "Are you out of your mind, Hatake?" Well, relatively friendly.


"I told you so," Sakumo said casually as he patched up his commander's mangled eye socket. Besides the vultures, Sakumo and Danzo were the only ones alive within several kilometers. He had earlier dragged the four bodies of Suna puppeteers into the same sand dune's shade that Danzo was slumped in, careful to cover the bodies with their cloaks out of respect for the dead. Puppet parts were left in the sun, littering the sand hither and yon. "ANBU masks do shit to peripheral vision. That's why I never wear mine. You would've ducked that shrapnel in time if you saw it coming."

Danzo's glare was no less fierce with just one eye – perhaps more so, because his hair was matted and his face covered with a paste of sand and dried blood. "And yet it's Hatake Sakumo who's in the Bingo Books for what he's done to Suna's puppeteers, _not_ Shimura Danzo. The masks protect our identities."

Sakumo dribbled some water from his canteen on a somewhat clean handkerchief and vigorously scrubbed Danzo's chin. "I'd rather have two eyes than no identity. Seems kinda superfluous to me, anyway."

Danzo snatched the handkerchief away from Sakumo. "Gimme that. You have the bedside manner of a rock and the gentle touch of a scorpion."

Sakumo flopped down beside Danzo and took a long pull of warm, stale water from his canteen. "See, my identity as ANBU is safe because no one knows I'm ANBU if I never wear a mask." He handed the canteen to Danzo. They sat quietly for a moment as Danzo slowly sipped Sakumo's water, each surveying the carnage before them. "You know," Sakumo began, crossing his ankles and resting against the soft sand, "while I don't necessarily like them aimed at me, the puppets really _are_ brilliant, with all those hidden traps, sharp doodads, and dangerous thingamabobs attached. They're like the world's deadliest puzzles."

Danzo barely paused with his sipping. "Don't forget the occasional poison coating those sharp doodads and dangerous thingamabobs that only the Slug Princess can figure out antidotes for. They are an admirable force, indeed."

"Right." Sakumo pointed at one particular puppet that was still nearly in one piece. "Do you think that Chiyo would mind if I ran off with some of the more intact puppets over there? Because Kakashi really likes puzzles."

Danzo choked on the water. Sakumo pounded his back until Danzo's coughing ceased. "You – you want to give your _two year old son _the 'world's deadliest puzzle'? Are you out of your mind, Hatake?"

Sakumo shrugged. "Why not? Be good practice for Kakashi. I can always wait until he's older – like five, maybe. What do you think?"

"I think that Inuzuka Tsume has more sense than Kakashi's father, and she's _eleven_. And that doesn't include the fact that she'd probably enjoy helping Kakashi take the puppets apart. Her youth is an excuse in this case – _you_ have no excuse. Between you both as parental figures, it'll take a miracle if Kakashi doesn't become an emotionally-stunted misbehaving deviant with antisocial tendencies."

"You think? But it seems to me that all the great shinobi are emotionally-stunted misbehaving deviants with antisocial tendencies – or maybe a combination thereof. Like Jiraiya."

"Hmmm."

"Orochimaru."

Danzo took another sip. "Yes."

"You."

Danzo gave Sakumo a shifted side-glare. "You do realize that I could kill you and always report that it was the puppeteers who did it."

"You're just proving my point, Danzo."

Danzo added some more water to his handkerchief and resumed cleaning his face. "Giving the world's deadliest puzzles to two year old sons is misbehaving at the best, and arguably an indication of being emotionally stunted."

Sakumo laughed and slapped Danzo on the shoulder, ignoring the dirty look Danzo gave him for the intrusion into his personal space. "Ahhhh. That's so sweet of you to think of me as a great shinobi. The last time you called me anything, it was a… how did you put it?"

"A fumbling buffoon with too much sand between his ears."

"Right. Well, I feel like our friendship and mutual respect has really grown since then, you know?"

"That was this morning."

"But sometimes it only takes _one_ great adversity to change one's vision, yes? Although it's probably too literal in your case, captain."

"When you asked if Chiyo would mind if you absconded with some of her puppets – was that a rhetorical question?" Danzo pinched the bridge of his nose at Sakumo's tentative grin. "Please don't tell me you weren't thinking of writing that woman an actual request. Are you _trying_ to earn yourself an automatic kill-on-sight reaction from that woman? Do you have any idea how that's going to come back and haunt you for years to come?"

"I thought killing Chiyo's children already earned me her undying hatred. What's the worst that could happen?"

"You know what? On second thought, please, feel free to collect some souvenirs for your son." Danzo waved his hand at the carnage. "Be proud of any pathological tendencies you might be nurturing in the boy. I know I would if I had to raise children."

"You do worry me sometimes, Danzo."

"Put a sock in it, Sakumo."

"I'm just sayin'. You're not exactly parenting material."

* * *

**NOTES**: This is actually a short cutscene from a story I'm currently working on, but may be unable to post to due to it's, uh, explicit sex scenes. This scene also works well as a standalone, so I thought I would share. There's just something about these two interacting that is kinda adorable. If Danzo could be considered adorable. :D


End file.
